Beginning

I am beginning this blog because I do not know what else to do with my free time. I wish to do something creative but I am afraid it will help me release my feelings and therefore will decrease my symptoms. I must admit to you that I want nothing to do with recovery right now. I only want my eating disorder. I want the cold hand of Ana clasped in mine as I lie here alone. I want nothing to do with the real world. I have been finding myself dreading anything that takes me out of my house and puts me in situations where food is near. At home I find it easy to control my intake but outside I have no idea how many calories are in something and I can't rely on estimates. What if I am completely off? Also eating with others is difficult and tricky because you don't want to spark attention onto yourself. You don't want anyone to look at you differently because you're eating so little.

All of these anxieties that are coming up as of late are so strange to deal with. It's been so long since I have felt and thought these things. The last 3 years of my recovery have been pretty seemless with just a few slips of a few weeks here or there. This is the first time I have really struggled for an extended period of time and like I said, I love it. I don't want to let it go. I want Ana here with me. Even though I know, I really do, that it's only going to get worse. That these thoughts will only get worse. But you know what is keeping me going forward? The idea of looking the way I used to.

You know what else is hard? I wanted to get to 83 pounds and  I was 9 pounds from that at my lowest. I want to get down to that. I am not sure if I ever could, but I want it. I want it so bad that I could risk all of the things I accomplished just to be that thin. To feel light and free. I miss it. At 114 pounds I feel obese and I want to pull the flesh off my bones so I can be free again.