The Pursuit to be Normal Sucks

I am so sick and tired of being in my flesh. I had a really nice weekend, but am now suffering from the guilt that it brought on. I was with a guy and his family that I really wanted to impress and seem normal too, so I ate as best that I could and now I want to pull the fat off. I am so anxious and annoyed at myself. I just want to get the fat out. Today I did pretty well, but of course I had to chew and spit a shit load of candy because of anxiety and now I am freaking out. I am just so sick of not being thin enough. I hate my body. I wish I could escape it. I wish that I was free from this nasty, heavy, burdensom body. I just want to be thin. I want to be fucking thin with all my might but I give in to my human instincts and desire to be liked and it makes me sick. Besides that guy will never give me what ed gives me, why did I turn my back on it in order to be liked???? So foolish. No one could ever like this anyway. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I wish I just didn't go this weekend and stayed home and starved like usual then this guilt wouldn't exsist and I could feel calm again. Fuck.