Fuck Its

When I am in the ED mindset, it is so hard for me to care about anything. I work at an Irish Pub and we have all these new managers running around trying to manage the place and I just couldn't give less of a shit about them or their new rules. I literally walk around saying and think who gives a fuck? When my blood sugar drops and I fall into that fog I literally can't connect to my emotions. I am completely numb and I love it. People at work have noticed I lost weight and it's such a weird thing. I have become a bit paranoid about it, hiding my lowfat food wrappers and lying about how much I eat outside of work, so that they won't become to suspicious. Even one of the kitchen guys who doesn't speak English completely said to me, you never eat, do you want me to cook for you? It startled me, but also made me feel strong and powerful. I started therapy last week. I am not sure I want to go into therapy to try to change but I felt like I needed to go. I might drop out, I want to be thin and if talking about this stuff will help than I don't wanna do it, at least not yet. I just feel so sad inside. So completely lost and I am desperate for someone to help me and at the same time I wish to be left alone.